im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
