True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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