you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
