I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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