I just pynch a tree in the face
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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