I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Randomize
