Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize