hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
