Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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