Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
