i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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