If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You pole danced in your parka.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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