why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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