I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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