Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
