I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
