i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
