So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
