he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
