is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
