I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize