I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
