Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
