seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
