Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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