my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
