I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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