She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
