from now on my penis is your penis
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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