The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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