im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize