I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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