It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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