I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
