Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I need a beard to bite.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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