i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
