I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
