You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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