just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
