I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
