True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
