woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
