Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize