Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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