He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
