what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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