So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
