I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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