That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
