She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
