Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Randomize
