Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
