angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
