I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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