some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
