Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize