I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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