I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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