did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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