Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
