she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
