i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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