somebody snuck up and got me drunk
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
