The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
