i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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