I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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