I met the friendliest cop last night
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize