I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
its liver damage thursday
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
