just tell him i said nine months
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
