my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
