my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
