I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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