dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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