Your mouth is God's brothel.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
